Step aside, capitalists, let this relapsed Soviet teach you how it’s done.
Pulling out knives over toilet paper, stampeding in supermarkets? You’re out of control, and you’re going to get us all curfewed.
Empty shelves, no toilet paper, bans on public gatherings — just add rolling blackouts, subtract hot water and you’ve got my childhood in the USSR. I’ve been training for this since I was born. Here are my tips for surviving the coronavirus shortages.
1. If there’s a queue, join it
It doesn’t matter what’s at the other end — hand sanitizer, tissues, pasta, the one band that’s still touring in Europe. In the words of my grandma, if it wasn’t worth lining up for, there wouldn’t be a line. Make sure you stock up on long-life staples like pasta, rice, canned vegetables and fruit, legumes and oatmeal. Your freezer is your bread and butter — literally, that’s where you should be storing your bread and butter. Powdered milk is your friend.
Don’t need toilet paper right this very second? You will soon — sooner still if your employer makes you work from home — and who knows when there will next be a square to spare. But if you can’t get toilet paper …
2. Improvise
If there’s one thing growing up in the USSR taught me it’s that if you’ve got a newspaper, you’ve got toilet paper. If you’ve got books, you’ve got toilet paper. If you’ve got running water, you’ve got toilet paper. Hell, if you’ve got leaves on your trees, you’ve got toilet paper.
No hand sanitizer? Surely there are methylated spirits at the local hardware store (or hell, go old school: a bar of soap works great). No tissues? What is an old sheet but a hundred little handkerchiefs. No nappies? Towels will do. Don’t know how to cook? Frozen veggies plus a stock cube equals a nutritious soup. If all else fails, make like a Brit and eat a tin of baked beans.
3. Organize
When the shelves are empty, you need friends to get by. Keep in touch, start a WhatsApp group (sorry — Signal), let your buddies know what you need. Look beyond the bubble — you’re going to need people hunting for rarities all over town. Got older family members and friends? Give them a call, see what they need, place an online order, drop off a delivery — don’t let any shortages strip them of their dignity.
4. Get friends in high places
Only mix with Eurocrats and government officials? You’re fresh out of luck. Doctor’s receptionists, shopkeepers, pharmacists — these are the friends you need at a time like this. Friends who’ll tell you when the shelves are being restocked, friends who might secret away a pack of tissues or some sanitizer, friends who’ll have stuff worth swapping. Speaking of which …
5. Learn what it’s worth
Cash isn’t king. Learn the true value of everyday items. When what’s missing isn’t purchasing power, but the stuff you wish to purchase, sometimes the cheapest items are worth the most.
6. Avoid crowds
With the exception of the all-important queue, avoid all large gatherings. Aside from the obvious health implications, what do you get when you cross a crowd with caffeine-and-sleep-deprivation and high stress levels? You get a riot, that’s what. And you don’t want to be there when the water cannons come rolling in.
7. Use your imagination
So that romantic getaway to Italy might not be happening. Us Soviets never went anywhere anyway — unless our friends in high places could get us the papers — so we used our imaginations instead. Throw a frozen pizza in the oven, get “Gomorrah” up on Netflix — you’re practically in Naples.
8. Don’t forget to laugh
Empty shelves are depressing. Pandemics are scary. Take laughs wherever you can get them.