Donald Trump: Welcome to the ‘hellhole’ that is Brussels

Don’t worry. This’ll be short — and all about you.

As you’ve pointed out, Brussels is a hellhole, but Belgium really is a beautiful city.

It’s home, as you know, to NATO, which used to be, but apparently is no longer, obsolete. The EU is here too. Remember, you’re “totally in favor of” it.

Hang in there. Bullet points coming up.

You’ll enjoy meeting the king and queen of Belgium and the French president. You’ll also meet an EU president or two. (Don’t bother trying to tell them all apart.)

Your stay here will be short, but you’ll have a lot of time to kill because there’s no Fox News on local cable. And showing your face around town will remind Europhiles that Obama was too much of a wuss to come to Brussels until halfway through his second term.

So if you want to head out, here’s your personalized guide to the city:

• Magritte Museum

You’ll love this place, a popular part of the Royal Museums of Fine Arts devoted to the work of Belgian surrealist master René Magritte. After all, this was the guy who painted a picture of a pipe along with the words “This is not a pipe” — and people totally bought it! Magritte also did a tremendous portrait of a woman whose face is nothing but breasts and a vagina. Genius.

• Tall buildings

Brussels comes up pretty short in the skyscraper department. The tallest building in town is the Midi Tower, a pathetic 38 stories — not even half as high as the Trump Tower. By the way, the tallest hotel is only 30 stories and it has a terrible name: The Hotel. Pretty obvious how that could be improved.

• Waterloo

Just outside Brussels. There’s a yuge monument. It’s got a lot of steps though. Maybe better to just watch the movie.

• King Leopold II

You’ll love him. He’s a guy who started out with nothing more than small patch of real estate left to him by his father and built it into gory and riches. (That’s not a typo.) He’s responsible for most of the biggest and most beautiful buildings in Brussels, and he made sure to put his name on all of them. He also knew how to run a country just like you run your businesses, especially when it wasn’t his own.

• Filet Américain

Warning: Despite the terrific name, it’s not what you think. Everybody knows the best way to eat steak is well-done, but Belgians prefer this gloopy hash of raw chopped beef, eggs and capers. The only good thing about it is it’s full of ketchup. But if anybody can make Américain great again, it’s you.

• European Commission press room

You’re going to want to check in on the Commission’s daily press briefings in the Berlaymont. They’re a masterclass in how to not answer questions, and a great place to see a lot of fake journalists face-palming themselves into a frenzy. Bring Spicer, if he’s still around.

• Hello, Dictator!

One place to avoid in the Berlaymont is the Commission’s “VIP corner.” Under Jean-Claude Juncker, this photo-op backdrop just outside the press room has been renamed the Kiss-and-Grab Zone. He’ll either yank your necktie, ruffle your hair or try to plant a wet one on your forehead. And he gets away with it because when you’re the Commission president they let you do it!

• Bars

OK, you don’t drink alcohol, but since your election, plenty of other people do. A lot. During your visit to Brussels, here’s where you’re likely to find reporters, lawmakers, Nigel Farage and most of your own staff.

• Molenbeek

Let’s not go there.

• Manneken Pis

Moving on.

• Mini-Europe

Low-energy Europe, more like. This theme park is made up of scale models of the great architectural wonders of the Continent, from the Leaning Tower of Pisa to Big Ben. Good optics here. You’ll literally dwarf these things. Plus, after your visit you can say you’ve been to every country in Europe. And maybe that means you won’t have to come back.

Craig Winneker is director of communications for ePURE, the European renewable ethanol association. He has lived in the Hellhole for 17 years. Sad!

Illustrations by Dom McKenzie for POLITICO